The Funnies Page... If you have something humorous to contribute and would like to share it with others on this page, please submit it to the Secretary.
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Signs of the times
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW |
Best 'Out of Office' Automatic Email Replies:
1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.
2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.
4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5.99 for the first 10 words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.
6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delive red. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over...)
7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
9. I've run away to join a different circus.
10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Lucille' instead of Steve.
De Joke
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After carefully planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "Monsieur, that's the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
(And you thought I didn't have De Gaulle to post this?)
AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
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If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
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Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.
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Avoid arguments with the Mrs about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
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For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
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A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
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If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
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You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
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Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Daily Thought: Some people are like slinkies... not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.
(Come to think of it, please don't try these at home!)
With Vancouver hosting the 2010 Winter Olympics, the following are some questions people from all over the world have been asking asking. Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website. Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!
Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? ( England )
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.
Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only four thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? ( Sweden )
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. ( Italy )
A: Let's not touch this one.
Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? ( England )
A: What, did your last slave die?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada ? (USA )
A: Af-ri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your north...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Canada? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? ( England )
A: Why? Just use your fingers as we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? ( Germany )
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you sell it in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy )
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? ( USA )
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada , but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. ( USA )
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
... and not a single mention of lumberjacks.
Murphy's Laws - definitively!
- The perversity of the universe tends to a maximum.
- Everything will go wrong at the same time.
- If there is any possibility at any time of any one of several things going wrong, then the one that will go wrong will be the one most likely to cause the greatest damage.
- Left to themselves, things will go generally from bad to worse.
- Nature sides with the hidden flaw.
- If everything seems to be going well, obviously you have overlooked something.
There is a little known corollary to Murphy's Laws that is represented by the equation:
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1 + 1 |
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2 |
where the arrow stands for "very rarely". Of course, Murphy was an optimist. Then, of course, if you think you are still winning, there are:-
Ginzberg's Theorems
- You can't win.
- You can't break even.
- You can't even quit the game.
